Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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