I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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