i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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