...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
