So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
