He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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