It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
