I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
