she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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