Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
