i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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