think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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