Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
