she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
