Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
