we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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