your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
