youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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