I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
