I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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