This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
