I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the condom got lost in my hair
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
