Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
