I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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