Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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