i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
