I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
