wrigley field is MILF paradise
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
