She tied me up with her honor cords...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
