my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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