can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
be right there i have to get my cape
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
