i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I puked a lego.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
