I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
