the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
