That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
