I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
