We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
