i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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