A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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