We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
bring money and cleavage
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize