I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I stole a fireplace last night.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
