The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bring money and cleavage
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
