I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize