What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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