Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
