Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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