he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
