Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
