Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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