My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
