my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
