Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize