Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
