I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
