I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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