i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
